Understanding ADHD

My ADHD Journey: Unmasking, Acceptance, and Self-Compassion

I was recently officially diagnosed with ADHD—something I’ve intuitively known for years. But only in the last few years have I begun to truly experience and understand how profoundly it impacts me. Since entering perimenopause, the challenges have intensified. My ability to mask my issues and push through has weakened, revealing just how deeply it impacts my day-to-day life.

For years, I’ve unknowingly created routines, systems, and coping mechanisms to manage my ADHD. Working with many ADHD and neurodivergent clients has deepened my insight into both the strengths and struggles of living with this brain wiring. Between life stress, politics, and hormonal shifts, this capacity to mask and manage life has been stretched thin.

The self-critical voice grows louder. Fatigue and collapse hit harder. And as my symptoms have increased, I’ve realized that what once looked like anxiety or depression is often the exhausting cycle of masking and trying to appear “normal,” whatever that means.

The Hidden Struggles of ADHD and Hormones

Many clients I work with share similar themes: feeling like a burden, chronic people-pleasing, and persistent and extreme exhaustion. The pressure to live up to one’s potential, a felt sense of being a “late bloomer” or being told repeatedly one is too sensitive, is pervasive among ADHD adults. This is especially true for those assigned female at birth who were undiagnosed for most of their lives.

Hormonal fluctuations can intensify ADHD symptoms, completely draining motivation, focus, and energy. The result is a nightmare of extreme ups-n-downs, emotional dysregulation, overwhelm, and self-criticism. No wonder I was diagnosed with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) in my mid-20’s and am now suffering in my early 50’s with peri-menopause.

Learning about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) have been mind-altering. Truly, they explain the intense experiences of living with ADHD and the challenges of hyper-sensitivity to criticism in relationships.

As an individual and a clinician, I’m constantly applying what I learn, how I’ve been impacted and how it has impacted clients. As a human, the steep slant toward beating myself up is a constant issue and over the last few years, practicing self compassion has been the key to reducing the shame and frustration brought on by always feeling that something was wrong with me. There has been a combination experience of Grelief, a combination of grief and relief. Finally, an answer, but also a lot of loss surrounding the years of shame and frustration turned inward, resulting in collapse, depression and burn-out.

Learning and Unlearning: The ADHD Summit

A few weekends ago, I attended a free virtual ADHD summit. As someone constantly seeking knowledge, I often feel overwhelmed by how much there is to learn, frustrated by my own limits and taxed by the amount of emails I receive daily for courses, webinars and summits. I want to absorb every session, learn it all, and share it with my clients. But I reminded myself: I am one person, with limited time and capacity.

So, I prioritized. I watched four sessions out of 35—an ADHD win in itself. The speakers’ words that I heard mirrored so many of my own experiences and those of my clients:

Feeling like I’m never doing enough
Masking inner chaos with a smile (my junior high nickname was Happy and my inner world was nothing similar to that feeling)
People-pleasing until collapse; over-scheduling to appear productive resulting in chronic flaking and canceling at the last minute
Cycling between burnout, shutdown, and dopamine-driven bursts of productivity, anxiety and mania
Receiving diagnosis, treatment and medications for anxiety and depression, direct symptoms but not the root issue

This time, though, I used the experience as an opportunity for self-compassion. Instead of spiraling into perfectionism, I communicated my struggle with my partner, acknowledged my self-doubt, and practiced “good enough.”

The Validation of Shared Experience

Listening to these experts—ranging from ADHD coaches to physicians specializing in women’s hormones—I felt deeply validated. Their insights reinforced what I already knew intuitively. The small strategies I had been implementing over the years make a difference. The tools I’d created for myself weren’t random—they were adaptive responses to my neurodivergence and the ways I struggled for years.

Two particularly helpful resources include:

On each of their websites, there are links to their own podcast, coaching resources and articles. There is a lot of information, which can be paralyzing and overwhelming, so I have taken a few hacks and strategies I have found helpful and shared them below.

Body Doubling

Body doubling involves working alongside another person to enhance accountability, sustain focus, and reduce overwhelm. The presence of another individual can provide both external structure and emotional regulation support, particularly for tasks that feel daunting or tedious. For example, I recently hired someone to assist with organizing my storage unit. Having someone physically present allowed me to stay on task, minimize avoidance behaviors, and create a realistic time structure for the project.

Analog vs. Digital Tools

Task visibility is essential for productivity and executive functioning. When lists or reminders are “out of sight,” they often become “out of mind,” leading to what’s known as object impermanence. Creating tangible paper lists for daily or weekly tasks, projects, and shopping can mitigate this. Writing tasks down and crossing them off provides a visual cue and a dopamine boost, reinforcing motivation and task completion. There is nothing I love more than crossing out a completed task!

If you prefer digital organization and online calendars, explore apps that “gamify” tasks and productivity. The key is to select a system that keeps your priorities visible, engaging, and consistently updated. Try not to have too many tabs open, either online or in your brain.

Dopamine Menu

A dopamine menu is a personalized list of activities designed to boost motivation and counter task paralysis. Structure it like a restaurant menu:

Appetizers: Quick, low-effort activities that provide a fast dopamine boost (listening to a favorite song, making your bed, getting outside for fresh air or to hug a tree).
Entrées: Longer, more immersive activities that replenish energy, induce flow state or bring fulfillment (hiking, creative hobbies, connecting with friends).
Sides: Activities that can be paired with other tasks (listening to an audiobook or podcast while cleaning or folding laundry).
Desserts: High-reward activities that should be enjoyed in moderation, or they can become overly stimulating (scrolling social media, binge-watching).

For examples and inspiration, search “dopamine menu” online to see how others personalize theirs.

Morning Routine

A structured morning routine that activates dopamine early in the day can significantly enhance motivation and emotional regulation. The goal is to create something you look forward to…a ritual that signals both reward and readiness.

My morning routine includes drinking a sweet and spicy chai, journaling my Morning Pages, and stretching and rolling on a foam roller. In warmer months, I water my garden; in colder months, I sit by my faux fireplace for warmth and calm. My cats often curl up with me.

To maintain novelty and engagement, rotate your routine seasonally or integrate small micro-shifts, such as trying a new workout, guided meditation, or creative exercise. Habit stacking—adding a new habit to an existing one—can make behavioral change more sustainable without overhauling your entire morning.

And now what? Practice Self-Compassion!

Are you someone reading this and recognizing yourself? Are you realizing that you also have strategies and tools that make life manageable? Are you suddenly wanting to speak with a professional about your struggles and get support? I would LOVE to hear from you, the ways in which you manage your struggles and have been able to rewire your system to not just survive, but thrive in this overwhelming world. But before you do anything else, take a moment and turn inward with kindness, love and tenderness for all you are.

If you feel like you need some additional resources, please reach out to me for some therapeutic support. I’d be happy to meet for a free consultation to discuss your needs.

If you are in crisis and need immediate care, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. Or the Multnomah County crisis line at 503-988-4888. Please take care of yourself.